Thursday, June 25, 2009

Reality Bites...

So today was a bad day. My car broke down in the middle of a Burger King drive thru.A bunch of workers had to come push my car out of the way. So embarassing. It was pretty hot out too. While waiting for the tow truck I got a call from my first trimester screening came back with a slightly elevated postive for down syndrome. I felt like someone had knocked the wind right out of me. Here I had been so worried about everything else and the one thing I didn't even give a second thought to has come to call. So the chance of downs is 1 in 131 according to the blood test even though the ultrasound was completely normal. Not even sure how to feel right now. Dr recommended going to speak to a genetic counselor so I guess I will call and make an appointment tomorrow. I am feeling angry right I just want things to easy for a change is that really too much to ask?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

12 weeks - I can't believe it

So my husband somehow fried our computer with a virus and I am posting from my new blackberry so apologize if the formatting is screwy. All went well at my ultrasound on Thursday. My mother, mother in law, husband and son were all there. The baby looked great, measuring right on target and nuchal fold looked normal. It was moving all around and even got the hiccups while we were watching. It was very surreal.

It was sort of bitter sweet day however as I had found out that morning that one of friend's baby boy had died the day before at 37 weeks. I was absolutely heartbroken for her and her family.It was also a reminder how fragile life is and how just because you make it that far nothing is a certainty.

I will most likely never feel secure and truly believe I will get a baby until he or she is alive and in my arms.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Hating the waiting

So this is the first week I did not have an ultrasound. I am not handling the not knowing well. I think I have found the baby's heartbeat a couple of times with the doppler but not in the last two days. I am starting to feel really worried even though I know it is early. My next ultrasound is Thursday. My mother-in-law is coming in from Florida tomorrow for my son's birthday and is planning on going to the ultrasound with me. My biggest fear is that I will get the worst news with her and my mother there. I just wish there was a way to know...

Monday, June 8, 2009

It's okay!

Sorry for the late update, had a bunch of unrelated family drama that took up a lot of my time since my last post. So my Dr visit was ok, she tried to listen for the heartbeat with the doppler but was unable to. Which she said was normal as it was still early. But she knew how anxious it was making me so she was able to get me in for an ultrasound that day butI had to drive to their other office which is about 30 minutes away. I really didn't want to go by myself just in case. It so sucks to think that way but it is just my reality. I called hubby but didn't think he could make it in time. So I called my Mom and she met me there. My mom went in with me and surprisingly hubby made it too. There on the screen was a beautiful little baby with little arms and legs moving all over! I cried so hard, I was so surprised that everything was still alright. And that is how I continue, continually in a state of disbelief.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I am starting to freak a bit...

So the morning sickness has been much better the last few days and it is really starting to freak me out. I go the the regular OB today for the first time and I think I am going to have to beg them to schedule me for another ultrasound as I just need to see that the little heart is still beating. The anxiety is getting the best of me and I hate that.

I am really nervous again today and just preparing myself for the worst. Wondering if I can ever go to a Dr's appointment again without having an anxiety attack.

I will update later...

Monday, June 1, 2009

Happy to be queasy! Scared to feel better.

So far so good. At the ultrasound the baby looked great, it measured 8 1/2 weeks, the heart rate was in the 170's and it was even moving a bit. It was surreal, I cried. For the first time I started to think I might actually be having a baby, not just be pregnant.

But it is still a day to day struggle. I got the doppler but haven't been able to hear anything yet. I have officially "graduated" from the RE and am headed back to my regular OB. Can't say that I am entirely comfortable with that. I have really appreciated having the weekly ultrasounds, it has given me some reassurance and something to look forward to. Not sure what my regular OB will do. I have my first appointment with her on Thursday so I guess we will see.

I am still anxious, today I am not as nauseous so I have been a little worried. I wish I could just know if the baby was still alive. But I am really tired still, and my boobs still hurt. So I will try to take comfort in that. Also my loving husband has given me his cold, so I feel a bit under the weather. . .fun! Today I am pregnant, I love my baby and that is all that matters.