Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm still Pregnant! 8 weeks and still going

So we have made it to 8 weeks, and as of Friday still have a heartbeat. The heart rate was 164. Everything looked as the Dr said "absolutely perfect". Size is measuring right on target. I have been getting nauseous almost daily, which is a good sign per the Dr. I didn't know it was possible to be happy about feeling pukey, but I am grateful. I have one more ultrasound scheduled with the RE on Friday and then if everything still looks good she is transferring me back to my regular OB. This makes me kind of nervous but then again everything makes me a little nervous.

Although everything seems to be going well, I still have periods on extreme anxiety. I am so grateful for the weekly ultrasounds, since they have taken the edge off this very fragile time. But it is still so hard to be positive or optimistic. My mom asked me when I thought it would be okay to start feeling hopeful, and I just didn't have an answer.

I am hoping to buy a doppler in the next week or so I can use it to reassure myself when I get anxious. I had rented one when I was pregnant with my son and it really helped alot. I am still in a state of disbelief, it doesn't quite seem real.

I am not sure when it will seem real but I will keep you posted.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The fear is still there....

I want to be happy, but I just can't seem to to be. The fear is still there, hovering over my every moment. I am constantly second guessing the symptoms. Do my boobs still hurt? Do they hurt less than yesterday? Am I nauseous or it is just in my head? The fear every time I go to the bathroom, is that mucus slightly pink? Every little pain, is that a cramp, is this the beginning of the end. My husband doesn't understand even though he tries, his attitude is everything is fine, we saw the ultrasound. I just try to get by every day and wonder when or if I will every feel confident enough to be happy. I just keep telling myself I am pregnant and that is all that matters, and I guess we will see what Friday will bring.

Friday, May 15, 2009

We have a heartbeat!

So I had my ultrasound this morning and I was truly prepared for the worst. I have been writing off all the pregnancy symptoms this week and just keeping myself super busy and not thinking about it. The ultrasound showed a little heartbeat. I was so surprised I started crying.

I am measuring at 6 1/2 weeks and RE says everything looks normal. So we made it through another week, Yippee and over one hurdle!

We couldn't hear it with the ultrasound machine yet, but RE says that by next week she should be able to pick it up with the ultrasound. So I guess we will see. So I go again next Friday for another ultrasound and I will just keep praying that this little one hangs in there!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

Sorry I didn't post sooner, but we had some internet problems and I couldn't get online.

So we had our ultrasound at 9am on Friday, it went ok. There was a sack and a yolk sac, and the start of a fetal pole, no heartbeat yet. RE is optimistic, she is dating me at 5 weeks and says this is perfectly normal for 5 weeks. So we wait and do another ultrasound a week later on Friday again. So that is it.

I have told my family and some close friends so I can lean on them, but other than that I am still going on as if I am not pregnant. My boobs still hurt and I am exhausted, so these are good signs. But I am still just taking it day by day until Friday.

My new mantra is "I am pregnant today, that this all that matters right now."

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and posts, it means the world to me.

Monday, May 4, 2009

A little bit more pregnant!

So the results are in and we are up to 597 as of Friday! So RE says the next step is to call today and schedule an ultrasound to see what is going on. I have to say that I am pretty anxious. I have been purposely keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of things. But still the fear is there, every twinge, every time I go to the bathroom, every time I wait for the Dr to call.

But I have decided to not be crazy this time, that just because I read the pregnancy book or looked at a maternity shirt, that I did not jinx myself. I putting this one entirely in God's hands, and focusing on the fact that nothing I do will make any difference. If it is meant to be then it will work if not then at least we have a plan to give us better odds next time around.

In a way my husband and I are just kind of pretending that I am not pregnant, and not focusing on it or thinking about it. I know that is a little weird but I think we have to remain a bit detached to save our sanity. I think if we make it past where we lost the last pregnancy we may feel a little better.

But to tell the truth I know I will be on edge until I am holding a baby in my arms. For me pregnancy means only that I am technically pregnant, it does not necessarily mean I am having a baby. The innocence and joy of being pregnant was lost awhile ago.