Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The fear is still there....

I want to be happy, but I just can't seem to to be. The fear is still there, hovering over my every moment. I am constantly second guessing the symptoms. Do my boobs still hurt? Do they hurt less than yesterday? Am I nauseous or it is just in my head? The fear every time I go to the bathroom, is that mucus slightly pink? Every little pain, is that a cramp, is this the beginning of the end. My husband doesn't understand even though he tries, his attitude is everything is fine, we saw the ultrasound. I just try to get by every day and wonder when or if I will every feel confident enough to be happy. I just keep telling myself I am pregnant and that is all that matters, and I guess we will see what Friday will bring.

4 comments:

Tracy said...

I hear you! Yesterday morning I had a realization that I wasn't as sick as I was the previous day. I got all worked up- only to be SUPER sick later in the afternoon. but, I also still smash my breasts to see if they still hurt and check the toilet paper constantly. Its an unfortunate side effect of prior pregnancy loss...

Martha said...

Here from LFCA, take good care and what you are feeling is so understandable.

Astrid said...

I am almost dreading my next pregnancy (should I be so lucky) for this reason. I feel like the fear will never abate. Not even as I enter my 8th month. And not just because of my early loss and its bizarre and scary aftermath, but because of what I have learned from this community. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be informed, but with education comes the "I know too much to be optimistic" effect. Try to think of it as another day closer to having your little one in your arms, whatever the outcome of this pregnancy. You are doing all that you can possibly, humanly do to be a good mother and make this a success. You can't do more than that.

PS. You have been awarded the The Honest Scrap Award !

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, I can totally relate. I have had two consecutive miscarriages in the last year and am currently 6 weeks 3 days pregnant today. I haven't even had my first OB appointment yet. Like you, I find it hard to be excited or positive at this point. I find myself questioning my symptoms, too - I should be more nauseated by now, boobs should be more sore, etc., etc. Such torture...

My losses were at 7 weeks 4 days and 7 weeks. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks with the second, but it was gone by the 7th week. I am, as you can imagine, letting my anxiety get the best of me right now, as well. I have 3 more days till my first OB appointment and all I can do is cross my fingers. At this point, I'd be more surprised to see a heartbeat and good measurements than not.

The only thing we are doing differently this time is daily Lovenox injections (blood thinner). After the second miscarriage, I was found to have protein C deficiency, therefore, I was clotting when I shouldn't have been (have you had this testing?). My doctor seems confident that this is the cause of my two losses, however, it just does not make sense to me after reading about it on several websites.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and we have three sons already, an 18-yo, a 12-yo, and a 6-yo. My last baby was at 30 and I am now 37. It makes me wish I had started on baby #4 a lot sooner.

At any rate, I see you are past 12 weeks!! Very exciting! I am praying for you!