Friday, December 12, 2008

Still not going down fast enough...

Well it was only down to 43 on my last blood draw on Wednesday. Dr would have liked it in the 30's already. I will get it drawn again tomorrow and see where we stand. Another stick in arms are already so sore.

My heart is still hurting, seeing other's babies still brings a tear to my eye, and I can't even bring myself to hold my new neice, she is a month old. I just don't even want to touch her...

I start thinking I am ok for awhile, I am getting over this.

And then I am not ok...crying again till there are no more tears left.

Why do some people have it so easy...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's going down!!!! Happy & Sad at the same time...

Had my last blood draw monday morning, and was due to see the Dr later that day. I started bleeding much heavier on Sunday.

Dr told me that Hcg beta went down to 66! So she was very please it halved itself. So she feels comfortable just monitoring me every two days with blood test until it is down to zero!

Hurrah no shots!

Dr wants us to wait a full cycle before trying to conceive again and wants me to call her the minute I get a BFP. Because she wants to do hcg levels from day one until they determine if it is viable or not. She also wants me to take baby aspirin and progestrone as well.

But right now the bleeding is quite heavy and I am feeling pretty crampy, and even though all this drama kinda of obsured it, the reality is I lost a third little angel ... and I am still sad about that.

So I am going to go lie back down and say a prayer for this baby and the others I lost.

Angel #1- missed m/c May 2006
Angel #2- m/c August 2007
Angel #3- m/c suspected ectopic December 2008

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Ectopic limbo...

Well I just got the results of this morning's blood draw. It is up slightly to 124..

So we have 194, 74, 114, 124. Dr says this is not good, but he does not feel I am in immediate danger so I can wait until Monday after the next blood draw. I was really hoping it would go down, at least a bit.

I am so emotionally drained at this point, I don't even have the energy to cry any more.

I will keep you posted ...

Friday, December 5, 2008

HCG went up...went the %$&! Ectopic?

So I had my beta drawn again yesterday. Praying it was getting lower so I could just get on with this miscarriage.

But no, it actually went up. It is now 117. Which explains why I have not started bleeding yet.

I had the ultrasound and nothing was seen anywhere, but this is not surprising since my levels are still so low. Usually nothing can be seen on an u/s until your levels are at least 800. But the problem there is once they get that high the possibility of a tube rupture is high if it is in fact ectopic.

Dr. wanted me to have the Methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy today. She suspects that it is ectopic. And since it is in her opinion not viable any way due to the low beta levels, it is better to be safe than sorry.

I am very reluctant to have this shot for many reasons. First of which, it means I have to wean my son immediately, which was not my plan. I wanted to do it gradually (he is down to only nursing once a day right before bed). Second because it is chemo, it can cause severe reactions and illness. And third because you have to wait three months to try to concieve again. And fourth it does not always work the first time, and each additional shot adds another 3 months onto the time you have to wait to conceive.

Dr agreed to let me have Beta drawn again tomorrow, and then again on Monday. And I have to come back into office on Monday. If Beta goes up tomorrow, she wants we to go to emergency. She also said that is I have any pain I am to call the on call dr. and go to the emergency room. I thought this was a good trade off.

I am praying that it goes down tomorrow.

I cried for awhile but I am so mad right now. It is not bad enough to be losing this pregnancy but to have to go through the possible ectopic scare too, just seems over the top.

please pray for me that I can pass this on my own....

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Still nothing....

Well absolutely nothing is happening.

No cramping....

This is ridiculous.

I go to see my Dr this afternoon. She actually called me yesterday to see how I was doing. She had been out of town and had just got back. But had heard from the other dr about what happened. I thought that was really nice of her.

Well I will update later when I get back from the Dr.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The inevitable is taking forever....

Nothing has happened yet. I have actually stopped spotting...

I just want this to be over already.

I went to mall tonight to return a few things, and it seemed like every woman I saw there was pregnant. I just went back to my car and cried.

It just seems so unfair sometimes...

I go to the Dr on Thursday. If I haven't started bleeding yet, I will have to ask if she can do something...I feel the longer this continues on the longer before I my heart can start healing.

I mean how long do I have to wait, as if the knowledge that there is no hope is not bad enough. This sucks.

Monday, December 1, 2008

This ones over...miscarrage #3

Well the one of the Dr.'s from group called last night. My beta went down to 74, definitely not a viable pregnancy. So she said the bleeding would likely get heavier in the next day or so. I tried so hard not to cry on the phone, but it didn't work. She was so nice about it and apologized and offered to have the office call me in the morning to schedule an appointment.

When the Dr called me and DH, were just getting ready to go over to my family's house for dinner, so DH called them and let them know we weren't coming. And then I just sobbed my heard out until I couldn't cry anymore.

Then I got angry! Why do someone people have it so easy, they get pregnant, stay pregnant, never ever thinking that something might go wrong. It is so unfair. I feel like I can never actually say I am having a baby. I can only say I am pregnant, because being pregnant for me does not necessarily lead to a baby in 9 months, actually more often than not, it seems it definitely does not. Miscarriage is cruel. It takes the innocence away from pregnancy. It makes you walk on eggshells, afraid to even be happy or hopeful for a second.

What is the point of being able to get pregnant so easily if I can't stay pregnant! I would almost rather not be able to get pregnant at all..then I wouldn't keep getting my hopes up, just to be crushed again.

I will not forget about these little ones lost...
m/c #1 - May 27, 2005 - 10 weeks
m/c #2 - August 31, 2006- 5 weeks
m/c #3 - November 30, 2008 - 4 weeks, 4 days