Monday, May 4, 2009

A little bit more pregnant!

So the results are in and we are up to 597 as of Friday! So RE says the next step is to call today and schedule an ultrasound to see what is going on. I have to say that I am pretty anxious. I have been purposely keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of things. But still the fear is there, every twinge, every time I go to the bathroom, every time I wait for the Dr to call.

But I have decided to not be crazy this time, that just because I read the pregnancy book or looked at a maternity shirt, that I did not jinx myself. I putting this one entirely in God's hands, and focusing on the fact that nothing I do will make any difference. If it is meant to be then it will work if not then at least we have a plan to give us better odds next time around.

In a way my husband and I are just kind of pretending that I am not pregnant, and not focusing on it or thinking about it. I know that is a little weird but I think we have to remain a bit detached to save our sanity. I think if we make it past where we lost the last pregnancy we may feel a little better.

But to tell the truth I know I will be on edge until I am holding a baby in my arms. For me pregnancy means only that I am technically pregnant, it does not necessarily mean I am having a baby. The innocence and joy of being pregnant was lost awhile ago.


Tracy said...

I hate that we have lost that innocent joy in pregnancy, don't you?

When did you schedule your u/s for? mine's on thursday and I can honestly say that I'm petrified. Like you, I think that I'll feel better once I make it past the time line of my last loss.


just me said...

yay! i love it, a little more pregnant. oh what we wouldn't all give to get just a little bit of innoceence back. sending you a hug and continued good things!

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

I know what you mean by "forgetting to be pregnant." Betas look hopeful! I don't think that fear ever leaves once you've had multiple losses... sorry.

Living With Loss said...

I have just caught up on your blog and I am so pleased for you that things are going well! I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I have just found out that I am pregnant again and like you I know that there will be difficult days when I do nothing but worry, but I am determined to try and stay positive. As you said, I keep reminding myself that nothing I do will make a difference.

Good luck for your scan - hope all goes well.

Astrid said...

I'm so thrilled for you at those beta results. I think most of us can relate to trying to maintain distance. It is a sad thing to know too much but it will make us all better mothers someday. We are all praying for you and hoping for the very best!

A said...

I have my fingers cross for you! It sounds hopeful!!!