Laminaria sticks...aka "Devil Sticks"..mildly uncomfortable..umm no.

These are natural algae sticks that are used to slowly dilate the cervix in preparation for the D & C. The slowly expand with moisture. This is too prevent trauma to the cervix by avoiding manual dilation.

The Dr said I will feel some minor discomfort during the insertion and some mild cramping afterwards. She has definitely never had this done. I almost passed out and threw up during the insertion, they had to fan me and put ice packs on my neck for the next hour until I was finally able to stand up. But that was the least of it, the cramping started and it was so horribly painful, I just cried and cried. These intense cramps lasted for about 12 hours, they have not gone away but have at least gotten more tolerable.

It is probably the most horrendous procedure I have ever endured. Oh and to top it off, the only pain relief you can have is Tylenol.

I really think if I ever have to go through another miscarriage, I would happily choose the natural way. I thought by choosing the D & C I was saving myself for the physical pain of miscarriage, but this was way worse than any natural miscarriage I have been through.

I am getting ready to go to the hospital and will post later if I am up to it.

I am secondary aborter? WTF!

I have to say I do not like the terminology used when "medically" talking about miscarriage. Why does it all have to be about abortion, missed abortion, incomplete abortion, threatened abortion...

Couldn't they have been a little more sensitive...

I have been doing a lot of research on the topic of recurrent miscarriages and it turns out I am what is deemed a "secondary aborter". Wow what a title. It means that although I had one successful pregnancy, my body miscarries the new pregnancies...I mean they don't know what causes it but they have one hell of a name for it.

And while were on the subject, what the deal with "Pregnancy Loss". The phrases "she lost the pregnancy" or "she lost the baby" really piss me off. To me the word "lost" implies some type of responsibility. When you usually lose something, it is because of your own careless or forgetfulness. When I lost my keys it was my fault because I forgot where I put them. To say that I lost the pregnancies, it is just wrong! They were NOT "lost" they were taken away. For what reasons I will probably never know. But pregnancies are not capable of being lost, because that would assume that we have some sort of control over them. And those of us in the recurrent miscarriage club know that this is something that is definitely not in our control.

Miscarriage #4 , it's offical

Well the ultrasound this morning (as I feared) showed no heartbeat and sac is beginning to destabilize. So this one is over. My heart is broken. This is miscarriage #4.

Doctor gave me three options.

1. Misoprostol (Cytotec) : this causes the cervix to dilate and the uterus to contract. It is intended to induce or expedite a "natural miscarriage". It usually causes painful cramping, diarrhea, heavy bleeding. Cons are that you still have to go through the pain, and "see" the bleeding and tissue pass, you could hemorrhage, or the miscarriage could be incomplete and you would still need a D & C. It is successful about 53% of the time. Not great odds in my opinion...really don't want to go through all that pain, end up hemorrhaging and having to go to the ER and getting a D & C from some random Dr.

2. D & C: also known as dilation and curettage, this is a surgical procedure. The cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed either by scraping (curettage) or suction (evacuation or vacuum aspiration) . This usually done under anesthesia, in which you are asleep. Pros are this is relatively quick procedure and it is all over. You don't have any waiting to do. No horrible cramping or excessive bleeding. Less pain than the other options. You do not have to "see" anything. AF usually returns after 4-6 weeks. The Cons are that you have to go to the hospital, be under anesthesia (which I am petrified of), there are risks of infection, scarring, damage to uterus, of course the risks of these are low).

3. "Natural" Miscarriage: You just wait for your body to take care of everything. This will result in painful cramping, heavy bleeding, passing tissue. Cons to this is that it is unpredictable, there is no way of knowing how long you will have to wait and when the bleeding will start, you still have to deal with the pain, bleeding and "seeing" the passing of everything, your body may not pass everything and you will still need to get a D & C.

I really don't want to have the D & C but dh really thinks it will be the best way to go. Plus I have the appt with the RE on Thursday, so it will let us move on to the next stage. Unfortunately Dr can't do it until Wed, since that is her next surgery day at the hospital. This will probably delay any blood tests the RE will want to do, since the pregnancy hormones will probably still be in my system.

Basically all the choices suck! No one should have to be faced with having to make a decision like this, it just makes it hurt that much more.

So I will probably call the Dr in morning and schedule the surgery for Wednesday since I really just want this to be over. But with my luck that it probably means I will start hemorrhaging over the weekend and end up in the ER.

I know, I know I need to be more positive... but right now I just can't see the light at the end of tunnel.

This ones over...miscarrage #3

Well the one of the Dr.'s from group called last night. My beta went down to 74, definitely not a viable pregnancy. So she said the bleeding would likely get heavier in the next day or so. I tried so hard not to cry on the phone, but it didn't work. She was so nice about it and apologized and offered to have the office call me in the morning to schedule an appointment.

When the Dr called me and DH, were just getting ready to go over to my family's house for dinner, so DH called them and let them know we weren't coming. And then I just sobbed my heard out until I couldn't cry anymore.

Then I got angry! Why do someone people have it so easy, they get pregnant, stay pregnant, never ever thinking that something might go wrong. It is so unfair. I feel like I can never actually say I am having a baby. I can only say I am pregnant, because being pregnant for me does not necessarily lead to a baby in 9 months, actually more often than not, it seems it definitely does not. Miscarriage is cruel. It takes the innocence away from pregnancy. It makes you walk on eggshells, afraid to even be happy or hopeful for a second.

What is the point of being able to get pregnant so easily if I can't stay pregnant! I would almost rather not be able to get pregnant at all..then I wouldn't keep getting my hopes up, just to be crushed again.

I will not forget about these little ones lost...
m/c #1 - May 27, 2005 - 10 weeks
m/c #2 - August 31, 2006- 5 weeks
m/c #3 - November 30, 2008 - 4 weeks, 4 days