Sunday, February 22, 2009

I was drowning and finally came up for air.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just needed to take a step away and regroup. I needed to refocus on life and getting on.

After the D & C I stayed in my pajamas for days. I felt myself sinking further and further into a giant hole. I didn't leave the house. I surfed the internet for hours finding other stories of sadness and loss, and cried for them and for me. It became all consuming. I was suffocating from my grief.

Then I realized that I could not let it beat me. The next day I got up and took a shower. Got dressed, did my hair, put on makeup and went out with my husband and son. And you know what I survived the day.

I found that I could do this. So I decided to take it one day at time. I also decided to stay away from the Internet for awhile, because it was far too easy to get sucked back under the pool of grief and sadness that had been slowing sucking my life away. Misery loves company and it seems like I was drawn to every heartbreaking story I could find. I just had to make a clean break from it, so I could breath and come back to life.

I went and saw the RE on Monday and she gave me hope. She said that she is confident that we can figure this out, and that I will have another child. She also said there was no need to wait two months like my OB suggested. She had me get a bunch more blood work done, things that had not yet been tested for. I have to call for the result this week and then depending on what those tests show, she says we will formulate our plan for attack!

This is war. I am determined to win. I will conquer RPL!


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you don't have to wait another 2 months to jump back in there and try again. Sounds like you're regrouping pretty well. I'll be following along, and wishing you well :).

A said...

I'm glad taht you seem to be doing well. Miscarriages are hard. Take comfort in knowing that there are tons of tests that they can run for you to try and isolate the issue. I have had 2 miscarriages in a row, and am seeing my RE - they move pretty quickly, which is reassuring. And it gives you something else to focus on too. Wishing you well!

She said...

I found your blog through the miscarriage and loss directory. I've had one healthy son (7-18-07) and then two back-to-back miscarriages so I can definitely relate. I'm sorry to hear about your most recent loss, and I'm wishing you good luck in your continuing journey. (I know just what you mean about needing to take a break from the internet. I've decided that I can't read stillbirth blogs anymore because I just need to keep believing that if I can make it to the end, I will be able to take home a live baby with me when I get there.)

Living With Loss said...

Hi there

I've just found your blog and wanted to say I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I have had 3 miscarriages now (in 6 months - so like you got pregnant 3 times very quickly) so I can understand the pain and heartbreak.

Good luck with your tests and I hope they can solve the problem for you and you get another baby very soon.

Take care, N

Lynette said...

I'm so sorry for all the heartache you've endured. I lost 3 babies in less than a year and know that 'drowning' feeling all too well.
Just wanted to wish you gentler days ahead,
lynette x

adp said...

I am drowning and have been since Friday, my d&c. I found your blog through BCC. I am going to shower now and see if I can still drive my car. Thank's for the encouragement.