I was drowning and finally came up for air.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just needed to take a step away and regroup. I needed to refocus on life and getting on.

After the D & C I stayed in my pajamas for days. I felt myself sinking further and further into a giant hole. I didn't leave the house. I surfed the internet for hours finding other stories of sadness and loss, and cried for them and for me. It became all consuming. I was suffocating from my grief.

Then I realized that I could not let it beat me. The next day I got up and took a shower. Got dressed, did my hair, put on makeup and went out with my husband and son. And you know what I survived the day.

I found that I could do this. So I decided to take it one day at time. I also decided to stay away from the Internet for awhile, because it was far too easy to get sucked back under the pool of grief and sadness that had been slowing sucking my life away. Misery loves company and it seems like I was drawn to every heartbreaking story I could find. I just had to make a clean break from it, so I could breath and come back to life.

I went and saw the RE on Monday and she gave me hope. She said that she is confident that we can figure this out, and that I will have another child. She also said there was no need to wait two months like my OB suggested. She had me get a bunch more blood work done, things that had not yet been tested for. I have to call for the result this week and then depending on what those tests show, she says we will formulate our plan for attack!

This is war. I am determined to win. I will conquer RPL!

I survived my D & C and all I have to show for it is some lousy mesh panties.

I am glad to report that my D & C was much less traumatic than the insertion of the previously mentioned "devil sticks".

My mom and my husband came with me. I know some may think it is weird that my mom came, but my mom suffered 6 miscarriages, two of them in the second trimester (none of which there was ever cause for found). So she is my rock through all this. She also feels tremendously guilty for this, that she has some how passed this on to me.

I arrived hospital at the appointed hour (11:45), was brought back and given a gown, booties and hat to put on. Nurse came and inserted the IV. Then my mom and husband were allowed to come back with me. We waited for awhile, that is when my nerves kicked in, and the crying began. Things were running behind and I had far too much time to think.

My Dr finally came to talk to me (2:00), then the nurses are came and introduced themselves. The anesthesiologist came and explained exactly what would happen when I got back there. A few minutes later a nurse came and walked me back.

I got into the operating room and sat on the table, and completely broke down, sobbing my heart out. The nurses were so wonderful. They said just cry it out. It's okay, you suffered a terrible loss and you are having a really bad day. It is okay to just let it out. One even cried a little with me. So I cried. Then I laid back and next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room.

They got me up, gave me my mesh panties and got me in a chair. A little while later my mom and husband came back. After about an hour at 4pm I was ok to leave. And we left. My husband picked up food at Mc Donalds and I inhaled a quarter pounder and fries. (mind you I had not eaten since before midnite the day before) We got home I crawled into bed and slept for 6 more hours. Then I woke up.

Then I cried again. I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I wasn't pregnant anymore. Not even a little bit. It was really over...

Laminaria sticks...aka "Devil Sticks"..mildly uncomfortable..umm no.

These are natural algae sticks that are used to slowly dilate the cervix in preparation for the D & C. The slowly expand with moisture. This is too prevent trauma to the cervix by avoiding manual dilation.

The Dr said I will feel some minor discomfort during the insertion and some mild cramping afterwards. She has definitely never had this done. I almost passed out and threw up during the insertion, they had to fan me and put ice packs on my neck for the next hour until I was finally able to stand up. But that was the least of it, the cramping started and it was so horribly painful, I just cried and cried. These intense cramps lasted for about 12 hours, they have not gone away but have at least gotten more tolerable.

It is probably the most horrendous procedure I have ever endured. Oh and to top it off, the only pain relief you can have is Tylenol.

I really think if I ever have to go through another miscarriage, I would happily choose the natural way. I thought by choosing the D & C I was saving myself for the physical pain of miscarriage, but this was way worse than any natural miscarriage I have been through.

I am getting ready to go to the hospital and will post later if I am up to it.

This is about me.

Well there has been no progress, just barely spotting a little here or there. Nothing consistent. Guess I am going to have to go through this D & C whether I want too or not. It is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. I am scared.

I have made some progress emotionally. I seem to cry a little less each day, although I am still having nightmares. I am trying to live, going about my routine, giving myself things to do places to go. But I feel like I am just going through the motions. Just doing what I am "supposed" to do, not what I want to do.

I have finally started talking to my friends again after not returning calls for a week. I just needed some time to myself before I could deal with the rest of the world. I still cannot face my Brother and Sister in Law and my new niece. That is just too much, too close to home. So I have avoided the family dinners for the last two week. Not sure when I will be ready to go back, but I just know I am not ready now. That has upset some people in my family, they feel I am being selfish by keeping myself from them. But I need to do this for myself.

This about me NOT them.

I am secondary aborter? WTF!

I have to say I do not like the terminology used when "medically" talking about miscarriage. Why does it all have to be about abortion, missed abortion, incomplete abortion, threatened abortion...

Couldn't they have been a little more sensitive...

I have been doing a lot of research on the topic of recurrent miscarriages and it turns out I am what is deemed a "secondary aborter". Wow what a title. It means that although I had one successful pregnancy, my body miscarries the new pregnancies...I mean they don't know what causes it but they have one hell of a name for it.

And while were on the subject, what the deal with "Pregnancy Loss". The phrases "she lost the pregnancy" or "she lost the baby" really piss me off. To me the word "lost" implies some type of responsibility. When you usually lose something, it is because of your own careless or forgetfulness. When I lost my keys it was my fault because I forgot where I put them. To say that I lost the pregnancies, it is just wrong! They were NOT "lost" they were taken away. For what reasons I will probably never know. But pregnancies are not capable of being lost, because that would assume that we have some sort of control over them. And those of us in the recurrent miscarriage club know that this is something that is definitely not in our control.

Miscarriage #4 , it's offical

Well the ultrasound this morning (as I feared) showed no heartbeat and sac is beginning to destabilize. So this one is over. My heart is broken. This is miscarriage #4.

Doctor gave me three options.

1. Misoprostol (Cytotec) : this causes the cervix to dilate and the uterus to contract. It is intended to induce or expedite a "natural miscarriage". It usually causes painful cramping, diarrhea, heavy bleeding. Cons are that you still have to go through the pain, and "see" the bleeding and tissue pass, you could hemorrhage, or the miscarriage could be incomplete and you would still need a D & C. It is successful about 53% of the time. Not great odds in my opinion...really don't want to go through all that pain, end up hemorrhaging and having to go to the ER and getting a D & C from some random Dr.

2. D & C: also known as dilation and curettage, this is a surgical procedure. The cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed either by scraping (curettage) or suction (evacuation or vacuum aspiration) . This usually done under anesthesia, in which you are asleep. Pros are this is relatively quick procedure and it is all over. You don't have any waiting to do. No horrible cramping or excessive bleeding. Less pain than the other options. You do not have to "see" anything. AF usually returns after 4-6 weeks. The Cons are that you have to go to the hospital, be under anesthesia (which I am petrified of), there are risks of infection, scarring, damage to uterus, of course the risks of these are low).

3. "Natural" Miscarriage: You just wait for your body to take care of everything. This will result in painful cramping, heavy bleeding, passing tissue. Cons to this is that it is unpredictable, there is no way of knowing how long you will have to wait and when the bleeding will start, you still have to deal with the pain, bleeding and "seeing" the passing of everything, your body may not pass everything and you will still need to get a D & C.

I really don't want to have the D & C but dh really thinks it will be the best way to go. Plus I have the appt with the RE on Thursday, so it will let us move on to the next stage. Unfortunately Dr can't do it until Wed, since that is her next surgery day at the hospital. This will probably delay any blood tests the RE will want to do, since the pregnancy hormones will probably still be in my system.

Basically all the choices suck! No one should have to be faced with having to make a decision like this, it just makes it hurt that much more.

So I will probably call the Dr in morning and schedule the surgery for Wednesday since I really just want this to be over. But with my luck that it probably means I will start hemorrhaging over the weekend and end up in the ER.

I know, I know I need to be more positive... but right now I just can't see the light at the end of tunnel.

I just want to be normal.

My dr's appointment and final ultrasound are tomorrow morning. I am of scared of facing the cold hard crappy truth. I know that the news tomorrow is going to be grim. I know there are choices I am going to have to make. But I don't want to.

I want to be one of those women that gets pregnant and just has a baby. No doubts, no second guessing, no hard choices, no anxiety, no grief, no mourning. I hate this.

I wanted this baby more than ever, no one should have to go through this multiple times. I know some have it much worse than me too, and my heart grieves for them.

I know what tomorrow will bring. But I want a miracle. I want none of this to have ever happened. I want to be able to pregnant and be happy.

I want to be normal.

Infertility? Me ? What?

I called the Reproductive Endocrinologist that my Ob recommended today to make an appointment. When I said I wanted to make an appointment, the nice lady on the other end of the phone asked if it was for infertility? I said oh no, it is for recurrent miscarriages, and she paused and sweetly said dear that is infertility. My heart fell, I made the appointment got off the phone and sat there for awhile totally in shock.

I never considered myself infertile even through all this. I mean I get pregnant so easily, I have gotten pregnant every time we tried on the first try, and even once when we weren't trying. So how is it that the medical community has deemed me infertile.

So after I recovered from that, I went to write the date of the appointment on my calendar and I had to flip the month, as I realized January was over, but there was March, I flipped back again..there was no February. How did I end up with a calendar with no February. Nope the pages weren't stuck together, and after further investigation I realized there also was no November. I sat there and laughed harder than I have in a while. Only I could end up with a calendar with missing months. Maybe this was a bad omen...or maybe it was just my dumb luck. Anyhow I guess I will be pretty lazy those two months since I can't schedule anything. LOL