Only a Dream...

I saw my baby, she was perfect, we brought her home and she looked so cute in her carseat and little pink hat. I cradled her and we laid down and eventually feel asleep. When I woke up she was gone...she was only a dream. It was only a dream.

I can't find any hiding spot from my grief and sadness, it even haunts me in my sleep. I wish the dream would have lasted a little longer.

Why?

when do you run out of tears...just when I think I just can't possible cry anymore, there I go again. I am so angry right now. I am not sure at who. It seems that the whole world is pregnant or has a newborn right now. I can't bear anyone else's happiest right now. How does the world just go on, when it seems that thousands of unborn children are lost everyday? How come the medical world doesn't know anything? Lives are being lost and the Dr's really don't know how to prevent it. Why does no one care about it? Why is our pain not important? Has it always been this way? Have women been suffering in silence for centuries? It is a horrible thought.

Part of me feels like I have no right to be this upset, others have it much worse, but right now I am feeling selfish, and I need it to be about me right now....

Dr says no hope...

At the u/s today there was a fetal pole measuring 6w2d, no heart beat. Beta only increased from 9000 to 11000 in four days. Dr is saying there is no hope. But agreed to let me have one more u/s next wed to confirm, but she wants me to think about my "options" and have an idea of what i want to do then. I really don't know what I want if it comes to that.

I am completely devastated. I really thought this one was meant to be. I have been crying since I left the Drs office. It just seems so unfair to have to keep going through this heartache.

I feel pregnant, tired and nauseous, no spotting or cramping. I just can't believe this is happening again. Dr wants me to go see a RE next and have more testing and possibly do heparin next time around. I just don't know what to think any more...

Judgement Day...

I am soo nervous. Today is the day that we find out if the pregnancy is viable or not. I have to go for bloodword this morning and I have my third u/s at 2:30. I am preparing myself for the worse but I still have hope. We need to see at least a fetal pole today if not a heartbeat.

On another note, I recently got two books that have been really helpful. One is called Pregnancy after loss, and the other is Preventing Miscarriages. They have both sad and happy stories, but more importantly they showed me that my apprehension and doom and gloom attitude are really normal for being in this situation. I highly recommend them.

So please say a prayer today for my little bean. I will update later...

Now more blood work....

The nurse called this morning to say that after looking at my u/s report from Friday the Dr wanted me to have more bloodwork done. We had decided to stop bloodwork a week ago as she felt it was causing me unnecessary stress. Before that she had me going every 48 hours. And I have to say that this week without it has been much less stressfull. Now I am worried that she thinks something is amiss since she wanted me to get bloodwork done again. So I went and got it done around noon, and nurse told me she would call me this afternoon with the results. But the waiting is killing me...

On a more positive note I think I felt a bit nauseaous this morning and last night. But then again it might just be my anxiety. Don't you love the second guessing of every possible symptom... I will update as soon as I hear.

We have a Yolk Sac...but that is all so far...

So I went for my u/s on Friday hoping to get an answer to whether this pregnancy was a go or not. But here I am still in limbo. The good news is there is a yolk sac which was not there last week. So that is progress meaning we are still in the game. But yet nothing else yet. So I am back there on thursday for another u/s. The waiting really sucks..

But the u/s tech and nurses were really positive saying that is could be just too early to see anything else. And that any development is a good sign. I was really upset at first but the more I thought about it, I am not giving up hope yet. My boobs still hurt, and DH says they are huge. So those are good signs. I am pretty sure now looking at the date of possible conception together with when my hcg returned to zero after the last m/c that I actually got the BFP 4 days before my period was even due. So here's praying for sticky baby dust!!

It has been awhile and alot has happen...or not

My levels finally returned to zero on their own so I did not need the shot. I bled until the 12th of December, it was bad but not intolerable. I really did prefer it to the D & E. But surprise surprise, my period did not come. And my boobs hurt a little..hmmm

On 1/7 I used a left over dollar store test and waited a few minutes and nothing. So I went and made dinner about 30 mins later, I went back to the bathroom to get something, and there it was still sitting there with a faint line. I figured it was nothing since it was beyond the 10 mins. And decided I would just retest in the morning to be sure.

I got another BFP on 1/8. Dh & I were not trying, so this was a total fluke. In fact Dr. said to wait a month. But there it was those two little lines, instantly I felt despair, could I do this again? I cried. I then called the Dr. and she immediately sent me for a blood test and phoned in a script for progesterone. I have subsequently had bloodwork every other day. These are my results so far...

1/9 - Hcg 171, prog. 14.8 - put on prog suppostitories 25mg x2 day
1/11 hcg 426, prog not tested
1/13 hcg 1122, prog 11.1
1/15 hcg 1822, prog 10.8
1/17 hcg 3066, prog 11.8

Went for u/s on 1/16, all that was seen was a sac, but dr. says that is what she would expect to see and upped my prog supps to 4 a day. I go back on Friday for another u/s to determine if there has been any development.

I am filled with doom and gloom, and my husband does his best to keep me optimistic. I second guess every symptom...do my boobs still hurt, more or less than yesterday, am I nauseous or just anxious,for every twinge, is that a cramp signalling the end..

Do I even know how to be happy or hopeful any more?

Please keep us in your thoughts