9 weeks to go! or so they say...

So here I am with 9 weeks left to go, and still in a state of disbelief. Not much has happened, thankfully it has been an uneventful pregnancy. I just had an ultrasound last week and they are estimating her to be 4lbs already! She has her head wedged under my rib. The whole time I have been thinking it was her bottom and poking at her. Oops! I was lucky enough to get a 3d image of her face, and it definitely makes her seem more real. She is beautiful, it made me cry.

The whole H1N1 pandemic has me a bit concerned. I have had my regular flu shot but the H1N1 is still not readily available in my area yet. I have been checking almost everyday. I am a bit nervous about going to crowded public places. It is quite scary with the news of pregnancy women ended up in ICU and dying from this flu. I don't want to be hyper about it, but I have worked to hard to get this far in the pregnancy to take any chances. So I have been limiting my activities, which is hard for my son. We have avoided places like the children's museum, and the bounce places that he so loves, in an attempt to avoid H1N1. I also have been carrying hand sanitizer and antibacterial wipes with me and being super vigilant about them.

I have stopped sleeping, just can't seem to get comfortable. My pubic bone feels like it is splitting in half most of the time. She keeps kicking me in the cervix or something so hard it makes me feel like I am going to pee my pants and throw up at the same time. But I am not complaining. I thank god for every nudge and kick. It doesn't matter how uncomfortable I am, I know it is worth it.

I have started getting her room ready, although I have to admit it makes me a little nervous. Her clothes are being washed, and will soon be hung in her closet. My anxiety is still there in the back of my mind however. I sometimes cannot believe that she will be here soon. I am scared that everything is so out of my control. As long as she is still inside my belly, there is nothing I can do to make sure nothing will happen to her. I know it is best for her to stay inside for as long as possible but I would be lying to say I am not worried about cord accidents and other causes of fetal death. I guess because of my history, the anxiety and uncertainty will always be there.

I still get worried when she is quiet, and although I try not to be superstitious, it is hard. This morning a necklace that I have been wearing for the whole pregnancy broke. I almost had an anxiety attack when this happened. It is a swarovski crystal egg necklace from the born collection which is a symbol of fertility. My mother in law got this for me for mother's day this year. I began to cry, worry aloud that is was a bad omen, but my husband firmly reminded me that it was just a necklace and nothing more. I am however taking it to get fixed tomorrow.

This tail end of the pregnancy is different then my last. For my son, I was put on bed rest because of pre-eclampsia at this week and spent the next 6 weeks on the couch, watching TV, reading books and the like. And delivered all 8lbs 14oz of him at 37 1/2 weeks. So far my blood pressure has stayed down with this pregnancy, so I am still up and around. Boy can I feel it. I am so exhausted, and it is difficult looking after my son. Right now I am tentatively scheduled for a c-section on 12/29 which is only 5 days before my due date. My husband does not think there is anyway I will make it still then, especially since the baby is measuring so large, approx 2 weeks ahead. So I guess we will see.

I will keep you updated. I have a Dr's appt tomorrow, and am supposed to find out the actual scheduled delivery date!

So no news is Good News!

Sorry it has been awhile, but there happily has been nothing to report. Everything seems to be going well except the usually aches and pains of pregnancy. The baby is growing on schedule and is doing well. I feel her move on a regular basis which has eased some of my anxiety. However, last week I was feeling decreased movement and called the doctor because I was also having contractions. She sent me to the hospital for a non-stress test and thankfully everything is was fine. It seem that the placement of the placenta is really affecting the amount of her movements I can feel. So at least it made me feel better knowing she was ok.

I have started getting the horrible pubic bone pain which is annoying and sleeping is beginning to become more difficult. My allergies and asthma are driving me nuts right now. I definitely have a belly now! I have been having some contractions but the Dr says they are just Braxton Hicks contractions and to make sure I am drinking enough water.

I just started taking a prenatal water aerobics class and I love it! It definitely feels good to be in the water. I have had fun doing some shopping picking up some little outfits for her, and we have two names on the top of the list right now, Genevieve Marie or Arabella Rose. But it may change before she comes who knows.

I am a little nervous about the approaching flu season and trying to figure out how to stay healthy and still go out and about. Overall, emotionally things are better and I feel less anxious but I still have my moments. I just try to take it one day at a time.

My next dr's appointment is tomorrow and I am hoping I will get to have another ultrasound soon, so I can see her again!

Well I am off to bed, seems the tiredness is back!

It's a . . .

A GIRL! She was not much more cooperative this time. It took them forever to get the pictures of the heart that they wanted. But everything looks good the heart looks normal, which was a relief. This doesn't mean that she doesn't have down syndrome but with everything being normal it lowers our risk factor. So now we just have to wait and see.

I really can't believe it is a girl! I was so surprised. Looking forward to going and getting some pink clothes with ruffles on the butt. LOL.

But most importantly she looks healthy which is all I wanted. Thanks for the continued prayers it means to world to me.

It's a . . . .

uncooperative baby! LOL. So everything they could see looked normal, but the baby was moving around like crazy so they had a very hard time getting the measurements they needed. They were not able to get a good look at the heart which is one of the main defects they are looking for, so I have to go back in two weeks for another ultrasound. They also tried to get a good look at the gender but the baby would not spread its legs apart enough to confirm anything. So I am partly relieved that they saw none of the soft markers for down's syndrome, but I won't feel completely ok until they can get a good look at the heart. So here is to another two week wait. I will keep you posted!

So tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow is the day of the "Big" ultrasound. And I have to admit I am pretty nervous. I have done alot of research, so I know what "markers" they will be looking for. I wanted to feel prepared for whatever is thrown at me, so I know what questions to ask. My husband does not understand this, but it makes me feel I little more controlled in a situation that is completely out of my control. I just want this baby to be healthy.

It is also a bit exciting finding out what the baby is too. That is, if the baby cooperates. I have gone back and forth a bit on whether I wanted to find out the sex or not. In the end I feel that I do want to know because I think it will help me bond with this baby and will make the pregnancy seem more real to me.

I still feel at times in a state of disbelief. Not really fully believing that there will be a baby in December. Though this may be natural protection mechanism after all that I have been through, I worry that it will hinder me being able to bond with this baby.

I will update tomorrow night. Thanks for all the prayers and support.

2nd Trimester! Still hanging in there!

So here it is week 17! I really can't believe it. I am still in a constant state of disbelief. I still tend to "forget" that I am pregnant. Although I do have a belly, it is that in between stage where people are wondering is she pregnant or does she just drink too much beer. I am still stressing, but not as regularly. I listen to the baby's heartbeat everyday with the doppler and do get upset when I don't find it right away. This drives my husband absolutely nuts.

I go back the OB next week on the 28th and then the "big" ultrasound is scheduled for August 4th. The Genetics place is having me come back there to have the ultrasound. I am still really nervous about this. But whatever will be will be. My husband really wants to know the sex of the baby. We didn't find out with our first, he was a surprise. So that will be different. I am wondering if knowing what the baby is will make me more bonded? I do worry about mistakes though. Someone I know just had a baby a month or so ago and they told her she was having a another girl, so they had everything ready and had been calling "her" Alexandra since they found out. And surprise, surprise, "she" turned out to be an he. A little shocking. But I figure they only had the one big ultrasound where I will be having monthly ultrasounds so I guess I can just have them make sure each month.

The last few weeks have been pretty calm. Just the regular pregnancy issues, still craving salad, still tired, heartburn has started. Trying hard not to gain too much weight. But what can you do.

Just wanted to update you all, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Whatever will be will be. . . .

We met with the Genetic Counselor this week and it was very informative. It seem that only one of the three things they consider for the first trimester screening was abnormal.

My HCG was normal, the baby's nuchal fold was normal, it was only the papp-A which was abnormal coming back lower than average. Which is why my risk for a child with down syndrome rose from my age related risk of 1 in 215 to 1 in 131.

Yes, this is still less than one percent and the risk of the amnio is anywhere from 1 in 300 to 1 in 1000 depending on which study you refer to.

So hubby and I have decided not to have the amnio because we worked too hard to get to this point in a pregnancy and would not be able to live with ourselves if we lost the pregnancy due to the test. We are going to proceed with the second trimester screening in a few weeks and then have the detailed anatomy scan at 19 weeks. The Genetic counselor said if this scan come back clean for any soft markers then my risk will be recalculated and lessened.

On another note though the decreased papp-A value has been linked to other pregnancy complications, such as placental insufficiency, fetal death, preterm birth, IUGR, low birth weight and preclampsia. So the Dr has decided she will monitor me more closely with monthly ultrasound with focus on the placenta. Especially since my mother lost three pregnancies between 18 and 24 weeks.

So for now we are just letting it all go with God, whatever will be will be. It is out of our control. Until the baby is viable, even if there is a problem with the placenta, nothing can really be done. So I cannot stress over something that is beyond human control.

Reality Bites...

So today was a bad day. My car broke down in the middle of a Burger King drive thru.A bunch of workers had to come push my car out of the way. So embarassing. It was pretty hot out too. While waiting for the tow truck I got a call from my Dr.my first trimester screening came back with a slightly elevated postive for down syndrome. I felt like someone had knocked the wind right out of me. Here I had been so worried about everything else and the one thing I didn't even give a second thought to has come to call. So the chance of downs is 1 in 131 according to the blood test even though the ultrasound was completely normal. Not even sure how to feel right now. Dr recommended going to speak to a genetic counselor so I guess I will call and make an appointment tomorrow. I am feeling angry right I just want things to easy for a change is that really too much to ask?

12 weeks - I can't believe it

So my husband somehow fried our computer with a virus and I am posting from my new blackberry so apologize if the formatting is screwy. All went well at my ultrasound on Thursday. My mother, mother in law, husband and son were all there. The baby looked great, measuring right on target and nuchal fold looked normal. It was moving all around and even got the hiccups while we were watching. It was very surreal.

It was sort of bitter sweet day however as I had found out that morning that one of friend's baby boy had died the day before at 37 weeks. I was absolutely heartbroken for her and her family.It was also a reminder how fragile life is and how just because you make it that far nothing is a certainty.

I will most likely never feel secure and truly believe I will get a baby until he or she is alive and in my arms.

Hating the waiting

So this is the first week I did not have an ultrasound. I am not handling the not knowing well. I think I have found the baby's heartbeat a couple of times with the doppler but not in the last two days. I am starting to feel really worried even though I know it is early. My next ultrasound is Thursday. My mother-in-law is coming in from Florida tomorrow for my son's birthday and is planning on going to the ultrasound with me. My biggest fear is that I will get the worst news with her and my mother there. I just wish there was a way to know...

It's okay!

Sorry for the late update, had a bunch of unrelated family drama that took up a lot of my time since my last post. So my Dr visit was ok, she tried to listen for the heartbeat with the doppler but was unable to. Which she said was normal as it was still early. But she knew how anxious it was making me so she was able to get me in for an ultrasound that day butI had to drive to their other office which is about 30 minutes away. I really didn't want to go by myself just in case. It so sucks to think that way but it is just my reality. I called hubby but didn't think he could make it in time. So I called my Mom and she met me there. My mom went in with me and surprisingly hubby made it too. There on the screen was a beautiful little baby with little arms and legs moving all over! I cried so hard, I was so surprised that everything was still alright. And that is how I continue, continually in a state of disbelief.

I am starting to freak a bit...

So the morning sickness has been much better the last few days and it is really starting to freak me out. I go the the regular OB today for the first time and I think I am going to have to beg them to schedule me for another ultrasound as I just need to see that the little heart is still beating. The anxiety is getting the best of me and I hate that.

I am really nervous again today and just preparing myself for the worst. Wondering if I can ever go to a Dr's appointment again without having an anxiety attack.

I will update later...

Happy to be queasy! Scared to feel better.

So far so good. At the ultrasound the baby looked great, it measured 8 1/2 weeks, the heart rate was in the 170's and it was even moving a bit. It was surreal, I cried. For the first time I started to think I might actually be having a baby, not just be pregnant.

But it is still a day to day struggle. I got the doppler but haven't been able to hear anything yet. I have officially "graduated" from the RE and am headed back to my regular OB. Can't say that I am entirely comfortable with that. I have really appreciated having the weekly ultrasounds, it has given me some reassurance and something to look forward to. Not sure what my regular OB will do. I have my first appointment with her on Thursday so I guess we will see.

I am still anxious, today I am not as nauseous so I have been a little worried. I wish I could just know if the baby was still alive. But I am really tired still, and my boobs still hurt. So I will try to take comfort in that. Also my loving husband has given me his cold, so I feel a bit under the weather. . .fun! Today I am pregnant, I love my baby and that is all that matters.

I'm still Pregnant! 8 weeks and still going

So we have made it to 8 weeks, and as of Friday still have a heartbeat. The heart rate was 164. Everything looked as the Dr said "absolutely perfect". Size is measuring right on target. I have been getting nauseous almost daily, which is a good sign per the Dr. I didn't know it was possible to be happy about feeling pukey, but I am grateful. I have one more ultrasound scheduled with the RE on Friday and then if everything still looks good she is transferring me back to my regular OB. This makes me kind of nervous but then again everything makes me a little nervous.

Although everything seems to be going well, I still have periods on extreme anxiety. I am so grateful for the weekly ultrasounds, since they have taken the edge off this very fragile time. But it is still so hard to be positive or optimistic. My mom asked me when I thought it would be okay to start feeling hopeful, and I just didn't have an answer.

I am hoping to buy a doppler in the next week or so I can use it to reassure myself when I get anxious. I had rented one when I was pregnant with my son and it really helped alot. I am still in a state of disbelief, it doesn't quite seem real.

I am not sure when it will seem real but I will keep you posted.

The fear is still there....

I want to be happy, but I just can't seem to to be. The fear is still there, hovering over my every moment. I am constantly second guessing the symptoms. Do my boobs still hurt? Do they hurt less than yesterday? Am I nauseous or it is just in my head? The fear every time I go to the bathroom, is that mucus slightly pink? Every little pain, is that a cramp, is this the beginning of the end. My husband doesn't understand even though he tries, his attitude is everything is fine, we saw the ultrasound. I just try to get by every day and wonder when or if I will every feel confident enough to be happy. I just keep telling myself I am pregnant and that is all that matters, and I guess we will see what Friday will bring.

We have a heartbeat!

So I had my ultrasound this morning and I was truly prepared for the worst. I have been writing off all the pregnancy symptoms this week and just keeping myself super busy and not thinking about it. The ultrasound showed a little heartbeat. I was so surprised I started crying.

I am measuring at 6 1/2 weeks and RE says everything looks normal. So we made it through another week, Yippee and over one hurdle!

We couldn't hear it with the ultrasound machine yet, but RE says that by next week she should be able to pick it up with the ultrasound. So I guess we will see. So I go again next Friday for another ultrasound and I will just keep praying that this little one hangs in there!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sorry I didn't post sooner, but we had some internet problems and I couldn't get online.

So we had our ultrasound at 9am on Friday, it went ok. There was a sack and a yolk sac, and the start of a fetal pole, no heartbeat yet. RE is optimistic, she is dating me at 5 weeks and says this is perfectly normal for 5 weeks. So we wait and do another ultrasound a week later on Friday again. So that is it.

I have told my family and some close friends so I can lean on them, but other than that I am still going on as if I am not pregnant. My boobs still hurt and I am exhausted, so these are good signs. But I am still just taking it day by day until Friday.

My new mantra is "I am pregnant today, that this all that matters right now."

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and posts, it means the world to me.

A little bit more pregnant!

So the results are in and we are up to 597 as of Friday! So RE says the next step is to call today and schedule an ultrasound to see what is going on. I have to say that I am pretty anxious. I have been purposely keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of things. But still the fear is there, every twinge, every time I go to the bathroom, every time I wait for the Dr to call.

But I have decided to not be crazy this time, that just because I read the pregnancy book or looked at a maternity shirt, that I did not jinx myself. I putting this one entirely in God's hands, and focusing on the fact that nothing I do will make any difference. If it is meant to be then it will work if not then at least we have a plan to give us better odds next time around.

In a way my husband and I are just kind of pretending that I am not pregnant, and not focusing on it or thinking about it. I know that is a little weird but I think we have to remain a bit detached to save our sanity. I think if we make it past where we lost the last pregnancy we may feel a little better.

But to tell the truth I know I will be on edge until I am holding a baby in my arms. For me pregnancy means only that I am technically pregnant, it does not necessarily mean I am having a baby. The innocence and joy of being pregnant was lost awhile ago.

I have officially missed a period! Hurray!

So Aunt Flo was a no show today! Thank God! Got my quantitative HCG from yesterday and it is 257! So we have a little more than doubled. So we are still in the game!

I go for more blood work tomorrow and RE says she will call me on Saturday to give me the results and let me know what the next step is.

I asked about my progesterone and all they would say was that it was really good and I didn't need the supplements but they would keep checking.

I think the antibiotics are doing the trick as I am finally feeling better. So I am staying cautiously optimistic but just taking it one day at a time. Which is all I can do.

I will post again on Saturday after I hear from the RE.

So far so good...except for this darn cold.

Well I got the results of the blood test I had on Thursday, which is that day I first tested positive with a dollar store test. Boy was I surprised to find out my quantitative level was only 13, boy those dollar store tests are sensitive. So RE had called on Friday to let me know that it was a low positive and wanted to know if I missed my period yet. I told her it wasn't due till the following week and she though it looked hopeful.

So I went for more blood work on Monday and got the results yesterday. They were hoping for a number in the 50's or higher and it was 117. So far so good. And my boobs still hurt! Yeah!

On another note I have been battling a cold since last Monday which is the main reason I suspected I might be pregnant. I seem to always get a really bad cold as soon as implantation happens. Finally went to the Dr since I am just not getting any better, just horrible congestion and coughing non stop. Dr says it is a sinus infection and an ear infection, so he put me on antibiotics. Hope they help since I can't take anything else for now.

So I am just taking it day by day, trying not to be to hopeful or too pessimistic. I am still freaked out by every twinge, and constantly poking my boobs to see if they are still sore. And don't ask me how many tests I have peed on, because I am too embarrassed to give you the real number. At some moments I am not sure if I can do this again, but I know that I can't give up. My period is actually due tomorrow, so I am still afraid every time I go to the bathroom. But that is just the way it is for me.

I am off to have more blood work and I will get the results tomorrow. Thank you all for the hope and prayers, it really means the world to me!

So the rollercoaster ride continues...

Sorry it has been a while since I posted an update but my Mother in Law was visiting, and the computer is in our spare room where she was staying and I just didn't get a moment to get on there.

So they have decided that I have ovulatory disfunction. Mainly that I tend to ovulate too early, which means that the uterine lining and hormone levels are not ready for pregnancy when the fertilized egg tries to implant, thus pregnant but inevitable miscarriage.

So the solution for this is to take over chemically the whole ovulation process and do a complete cycle with insemination to give us the best odds. RE says this creates a better ovulation and better egg quality.

So the way this works is that I have been taking synarel since Saturday to shut my ovaries down, so there is no chance they can do anything before the Dr wants them to.

Once I get my period, I am supposed to start shots of FSH or Gonal F, then after 7 days have daily ultrasounds to monitor the progress of the follicles. Once they are mature, then I get an HCG shot to stimulate ovulation, and have sex and insemination and hopefully success!

So here I am 7 days away from when Aunt Flo is supposed to arrive and I have already screwed up the whole process. I got a positive pregnancy test this morning. oh no...

So I went to have blood work this morning and will get the results tomorrow. So RE had me stop the synarel until we figure out if this is a go or not.

I am not too hopeful, feel like I will probably miscarry this pregnancy too, since I ovulated 5 day early this month. Guess I just have to wait and pray....

Survived the HSG. . .barely!

Well I went for the HSG on Tuesday at 11am. Honestly the test was pretty tame. Mildly uncomfortable, but not too bad. Had some bleeding afterward. The test was normal, uterus looked good and both tubes are open, Yippee!

I left the test and went up to work, and about three hours later I started feeling alot of pressure and pain in my lower abdominal area. The pain continued to to get worse and to rise upward. I started feeling nauseous and light headed. I called m husband and asked him to come get me.

I called the Dr's office but they were already closed. The pain continued to get worse. Mind you, this was NOT cramping it was pain. It felt like my whole torso had been bruised, it was extremely painful just to move. My stomach looked really bloated and swollen.

After getting home, I call the Dr's emergency line and spoke to the on call Dr and he said it sounded like I was having an allergic reaction to the dye and that I should go to the emergency room. So we went to the ER and we were there until 4:30 am Wednesday morning. They did tons of tests and xrays and gave me some wonderful pain meds. And decided that is was probably a reaction to the dye and sent me home.

That whole next day though I was completely out of it, probably from the meds, and I felt really sore, like I had worked out too much or something. It was really strange...

To top it off my day 3 FSH still did not come back normal, FSH was 5.5 and estradiol was 108. It is definitely better than last month but still not normal. So I have an appointment to discuss the results with the RE on Wednesday so I will let you all know what the outcome is.

Well I am off to clean my house as my In-laws are coming to visit and will be staying for the week! Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

So I am not pregnant and AF a week early..

So Aunt Flo arrived exactly a week early, so I guess my whole cycle was running a week early. I went for my day 3 FSH today, so hopefully that will come back in the normal range now.

I have an HSG scheduled for Tuesday just to rule out any scar tissue left over from the C-section. And then I guess we will see what the next step is. I am a little nervous about the HSG but I will do whatever needs to be done and it can't be as bad as the "devil sticks" were and I survived that!

I feel a little better about everything, since I feel like I am actually doing something!

Also the weightloss is going great, 15.2 lbs lost so far. I love weight watchers!

So my cycle is running a little early

So I went to see the RE on Thursday. She saws that my estradial was very high for day 3 and that she suspected that even though it was day 3 of my bleeding it wasn't "really" my day 3. Hmm... The day of the appointment would have been day 14 of my cycle so she wanted to know if I felt like I was going to ovulate. Nope, actually I told her I think I already did because of have been using the OPKs since Sun with no positives.

Before I even got there I began having thoughts that my cycle was off. About a week prior I had some pains in my side and a massive headache, but dismissed them. But this would have put me ovulating almost a week early.

So RE did an ultrasound right then, and said yep, you already ovulated. She also noticed that my old corpus lutem cyst from the last cycle was still there as well as the new corpus lutem cyst. She said that this is not concerning though, so I will believe her.

So my hubby and I sat there counting back the days and figuring out when we had sex and sure enough it was all right around the time of early ovulation. So....now we wait.

RE says that if I don't get a period in the next 10 days then to call and come in for blood work. She is not sure if the early ovulation is just a fluke thing after the D & C or if I have been consistently ovulating early. So at least we have one lead to chase for now. But she said I could be pregnant now, but it would have been too early for her to see anything on the ultrasound. So we just have to wait...

Waiting sucks..

I am sad, it was a girl...

Well my OB called today to tell me the chromosomal results from the D & C were in. It was normal, and it was a girl.

I cried for awhile. My heart breaking....

I knew in my heart it was a girl. Some people asked why did you want to know? I think I needed to know if I could so I could have better closure.

But still I am grieving for my lost little girl...

The bloodwork is in, and it is not so good.

So I finally called the Dr's office back and asked to speak to a nurse. I just had some questions that needed to be answered.

Turns out the reason they changed the plan for the clomid is that my FSH/estradiol test results did not come back in the normal range.

My FSH was fine at 3. But my estradiol was very high at 260. Which explains why they did the HCG pregnancy screen. So they feel that the chances of sucess is low so they will not treat this cycle. What this all means she says I will have to discuss with the Dr. So at least I have some idea of what is going on...

But this is the first test I have had that did not come back normal, so maybe we are the right track to getting an answer..

I guess I will just have to wait to find out.

So AF has arrived...but still in medical limbo

Alright, so I go my period on Thursday and called the RE like I was told to. Only to find out she was out of the office for the day and there was no note on my chart as to what the next step was. They told me to call back Friday morning. I call back Friday morning, and they still don't know. They left a message for the Dr but hadn't gotten a response yet. They finally call me back late Friday and say that I have to get bloodwork done on Saturday for a Day 3 FSH and Estradiol. And that I probably would be getting clomid. Receptionist asks me to call Monday morning to get an appointment as the computers are already down.

So I get the bloodwork Saturday, call Monday morning. They don't have the results so they ask me to call back in 2 hours while they speak to the Dr.

I call back 2 hours later, still no results, still no note on my file as what to do. But Dr did ask them to call lab and get them to run an HCG level on bloodwork. ???? I am definately not pregnant but whatever.

I call then again 2 hours later now it is about 3pm and they close at 4pm. Still no results, they tell me they will call me before they close.

4:30pm I go to the bathroom and sure enough the phone rings while I am in there. Damn! I don't get to it in time. They leave a message, that my HCG is less than 2, so call in the morning, since they are now closed, and get an appointment to come in to talk to Dr.

So I called them this morning, and Dr want to speak to me. The next available appointment is next week Thursday. I ask if my bloodwork came back normal and all they will say is that is what the Dr wants to talk to you about. WTF!

I ask if we can try this cycle, or if we should wait. Receptionist puts me on hold and then comes back and says Dr said you can do it if you want? What???

So now I am majorly stressing over this. Ugh! I will keep you updated... not sure what to make of all this...

I am still around...initial test results are in.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but there hasn't been much to report. Just going about life waiting for AF to show so we can start treatment with the RE. I joined weight watchers to try to get rid of the 60lbs I gained with my son. And have lost 8 lbs so far. Just focusing on getting healthy and eating better. I would love to get back into my old clothes

The bloodwork that the RE did is back and everything is normal. Which is good and bad at the same time. I wish something had shown up, since that would give us something to treat, but it is good that there is nothing wrong as well. Oh well. RE still feels it has to do with my hormones leading up to and after ovulation so we will see.

Still no results from the chromosomal testing, guess that takes about 8 weeks.

RE said just to call them the day I get my first period and they will have me come right in. I am hoping that AF is coming this week as it will be 4 weeks since the D & C, and my husband has said I am being rather bitchy.

I guess there is times when bitchy is a good sign.

I will keep you posted

I was drowning and finally came up for air.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just needed to take a step away and regroup. I needed to refocus on life and getting on.

After the D & C I stayed in my pajamas for days. I felt myself sinking further and further into a giant hole. I didn't leave the house. I surfed the internet for hours finding other stories of sadness and loss, and cried for them and for me. It became all consuming. I was suffocating from my grief.

Then I realized that I could not let it beat me. The next day I got up and took a shower. Got dressed, did my hair, put on makeup and went out with my husband and son. And you know what I survived the day.

I found that I could do this. So I decided to take it one day at time. I also decided to stay away from the Internet for awhile, because it was far too easy to get sucked back under the pool of grief and sadness that had been slowing sucking my life away. Misery loves company and it seems like I was drawn to every heartbreaking story I could find. I just had to make a clean break from it, so I could breath and come back to life.

I went and saw the RE on Monday and she gave me hope. She said that she is confident that we can figure this out, and that I will have another child. She also said there was no need to wait two months like my OB suggested. She had me get a bunch more blood work done, things that had not yet been tested for. I have to call for the result this week and then depending on what those tests show, she says we will formulate our plan for attack!

This is war. I am determined to win. I will conquer RPL!

I survived my D & C and all I have to show for it is some lousy mesh panties.

I am glad to report that my D & C was much less traumatic than the insertion of the previously mentioned "devil sticks".

My mom and my husband came with me. I know some may think it is weird that my mom came, but my mom suffered 6 miscarriages, two of them in the second trimester (none of which there was ever cause for found). So she is my rock through all this. She also feels tremendously guilty for this, that she has some how passed this on to me.

I arrived hospital at the appointed hour (11:45), was brought back and given a gown, booties and hat to put on. Nurse came and inserted the IV. Then my mom and husband were allowed to come back with me. We waited for awhile, that is when my nerves kicked in, and the crying began. Things were running behind and I had far too much time to think.

My Dr finally came to talk to me (2:00), then the nurses are came and introduced themselves. The anesthesiologist came and explained exactly what would happen when I got back there. A few minutes later a nurse came and walked me back.

I got into the operating room and sat on the table, and completely broke down, sobbing my heart out. The nurses were so wonderful. They said just cry it out. It's okay, you suffered a terrible loss and you are having a really bad day. It is okay to just let it out. One even cried a little with me. So I cried. Then I laid back and next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room.

They got me up, gave me my mesh panties and got me in a chair. A little while later my mom and husband came back. After about an hour at 4pm I was ok to leave. And we left. My husband picked up food at Mc Donalds and I inhaled a quarter pounder and fries. (mind you I had not eaten since before midnite the day before) We got home I crawled into bed and slept for 6 more hours. Then I woke up.

Then I cried again. I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I wasn't pregnant anymore. Not even a little bit. It was really over...

Laminaria sticks...aka "Devil Sticks"..mildly uncomfortable..umm no.

These are natural algae sticks that are used to slowly dilate the cervix in preparation for the D & C. The slowly expand with moisture. This is too prevent trauma to the cervix by avoiding manual dilation.

The Dr said I will feel some minor discomfort during the insertion and some mild cramping afterwards. She has definitely never had this done. I almost passed out and threw up during the insertion, they had to fan me and put ice packs on my neck for the next hour until I was finally able to stand up. But that was the least of it, the cramping started and it was so horribly painful, I just cried and cried. These intense cramps lasted for about 12 hours, they have not gone away but have at least gotten more tolerable.

It is probably the most horrendous procedure I have ever endured. Oh and to top it off, the only pain relief you can have is Tylenol.

I really think if I ever have to go through another miscarriage, I would happily choose the natural way. I thought by choosing the D & C I was saving myself for the physical pain of miscarriage, but this was way worse than any natural miscarriage I have been through.

I am getting ready to go to the hospital and will post later if I am up to it.

This is about me.

Well there has been no progress, just barely spotting a little here or there. Nothing consistent. Guess I am going to have to go through this D & C whether I want too or not. It is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. I am scared.

I have made some progress emotionally. I seem to cry a little less each day, although I am still having nightmares. I am trying to live, going about my routine, giving myself things to do places to go. But I feel like I am just going through the motions. Just doing what I am "supposed" to do, not what I want to do.

I have finally started talking to my friends again after not returning calls for a week. I just needed some time to myself before I could deal with the rest of the world. I still cannot face my Brother and Sister in Law and my new niece. That is just too much, too close to home. So I have avoided the family dinners for the last two week. Not sure when I will be ready to go back, but I just know I am not ready now. That has upset some people in my family, they feel I am being selfish by keeping myself from them. But I need to do this for myself.

This about me NOT them.

I am secondary aborter? WTF!

I have to say I do not like the terminology used when "medically" talking about miscarriage. Why does it all have to be about abortion, missed abortion, incomplete abortion, threatened abortion...

Couldn't they have been a little more sensitive...

I have been doing a lot of research on the topic of recurrent miscarriages and it turns out I am what is deemed a "secondary aborter". Wow what a title. It means that although I had one successful pregnancy, my body miscarries the new pregnancies...I mean they don't know what causes it but they have one hell of a name for it.

And while were on the subject, what the deal with "Pregnancy Loss". The phrases "she lost the pregnancy" or "she lost the baby" really piss me off. To me the word "lost" implies some type of responsibility. When you usually lose something, it is because of your own careless or forgetfulness. When I lost my keys it was my fault because I forgot where I put them. To say that I lost the pregnancies, it is just wrong! They were NOT "lost" they were taken away. For what reasons I will probably never know. But pregnancies are not capable of being lost, because that would assume that we have some sort of control over them. And those of us in the recurrent miscarriage club know that this is something that is definitely not in our control.

Miscarriage #4 , it's offical

Well the ultrasound this morning (as I feared) showed no heartbeat and sac is beginning to destabilize. So this one is over. My heart is broken. This is miscarriage #4.

Doctor gave me three options.

1. Misoprostol (Cytotec) : this causes the cervix to dilate and the uterus to contract. It is intended to induce or expedite a "natural miscarriage". It usually causes painful cramping, diarrhea, heavy bleeding. Cons are that you still have to go through the pain, and "see" the bleeding and tissue pass, you could hemorrhage, or the miscarriage could be incomplete and you would still need a D & C. It is successful about 53% of the time. Not great odds in my opinion...really don't want to go through all that pain, end up hemorrhaging and having to go to the ER and getting a D & C from some random Dr.

2. D & C: also known as dilation and curettage, this is a surgical procedure. The cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed either by scraping (curettage) or suction (evacuation or vacuum aspiration) . This usually done under anesthesia, in which you are asleep. Pros are this is relatively quick procedure and it is all over. You don't have any waiting to do. No horrible cramping or excessive bleeding. Less pain than the other options. You do not have to "see" anything. AF usually returns after 4-6 weeks. The Cons are that you have to go to the hospital, be under anesthesia (which I am petrified of), there are risks of infection, scarring, damage to uterus, of course the risks of these are low).

3. "Natural" Miscarriage: You just wait for your body to take care of everything. This will result in painful cramping, heavy bleeding, passing tissue. Cons to this is that it is unpredictable, there is no way of knowing how long you will have to wait and when the bleeding will start, you still have to deal with the pain, bleeding and "seeing" the passing of everything, your body may not pass everything and you will still need to get a D & C.

I really don't want to have the D & C but dh really thinks it will be the best way to go. Plus I have the appt with the RE on Thursday, so it will let us move on to the next stage. Unfortunately Dr can't do it until Wed, since that is her next surgery day at the hospital. This will probably delay any blood tests the RE will want to do, since the pregnancy hormones will probably still be in my system.

Basically all the choices suck! No one should have to be faced with having to make a decision like this, it just makes it hurt that much more.

So I will probably call the Dr in morning and schedule the surgery for Wednesday since I really just want this to be over. But with my luck that it probably means I will start hemorrhaging over the weekend and end up in the ER.

I know, I know I need to be more positive... but right now I just can't see the light at the end of tunnel.

I just want to be normal.

My dr's appointment and final ultrasound are tomorrow morning. I am of scared of facing the cold hard crappy truth. I know that the news tomorrow is going to be grim. I know there are choices I am going to have to make. But I don't want to.

I want to be one of those women that gets pregnant and just has a baby. No doubts, no second guessing, no hard choices, no anxiety, no grief, no mourning. I hate this.

I wanted this baby more than ever, no one should have to go through this multiple times. I know some have it much worse than me too, and my heart grieves for them.

I know what tomorrow will bring. But I want a miracle. I want none of this to have ever happened. I want to be able to pregnant and be happy.

I want to be normal.

Infertility? Me ? What?

I called the Reproductive Endocrinologist that my Ob recommended today to make an appointment. When I said I wanted to make an appointment, the nice lady on the other end of the phone asked if it was for infertility? I said oh no, it is for recurrent miscarriages, and she paused and sweetly said dear that is infertility. My heart fell, I made the appointment got off the phone and sat there for awhile totally in shock.

I never considered myself infertile even through all this. I mean I get pregnant so easily, I have gotten pregnant every time we tried on the first try, and even once when we weren't trying. So how is it that the medical community has deemed me infertile.

So after I recovered from that, I went to write the date of the appointment on my calendar and I had to flip the month, as I realized January was over, but there was March, I flipped back again..there was no February. How did I end up with a calendar with no February. Nope the pages weren't stuck together, and after further investigation I realized there also was no November. I sat there and laughed harder than I have in a while. Only I could end up with a calendar with missing months. Maybe this was a bad omen...or maybe it was just my dumb luck. Anyhow I guess I will be pretty lazy those two months since I can't schedule anything. LOL

Only a Dream...

I saw my baby, she was perfect, we brought her home and she looked so cute in her carseat and little pink hat. I cradled her and we laid down and eventually feel asleep. When I woke up she was gone...she was only a dream. It was only a dream.

I can't find any hiding spot from my grief and sadness, it even haunts me in my sleep. I wish the dream would have lasted a little longer.

Why?

when do you run out of tears...just when I think I just can't possible cry anymore, there I go again. I am so angry right now. I am not sure at who. It seems that the whole world is pregnant or has a newborn right now. I can't bear anyone else's happiest right now. How does the world just go on, when it seems that thousands of unborn children are lost everyday? How come the medical world doesn't know anything? Lives are being lost and the Dr's really don't know how to prevent it. Why does no one care about it? Why is our pain not important? Has it always been this way? Have women been suffering in silence for centuries? It is a horrible thought.

Part of me feels like I have no right to be this upset, others have it much worse, but right now I am feeling selfish, and I need it to be about me right now....

Dr says no hope...

At the u/s today there was a fetal pole measuring 6w2d, no heart beat. Beta only increased from 9000 to 11000 in four days. Dr is saying there is no hope. But agreed to let me have one more u/s next wed to confirm, but she wants me to think about my "options" and have an idea of what i want to do then. I really don't know what I want if it comes to that.

I am completely devastated. I really thought this one was meant to be. I have been crying since I left the Drs office. It just seems so unfair to have to keep going through this heartache.

I feel pregnant, tired and nauseous, no spotting or cramping. I just can't believe this is happening again. Dr wants me to go see a RE next and have more testing and possibly do heparin next time around. I just don't know what to think any more...

Judgement Day...

I am soo nervous. Today is the day that we find out if the pregnancy is viable or not. I have to go for bloodword this morning and I have my third u/s at 2:30. I am preparing myself for the worse but I still have hope. We need to see at least a fetal pole today if not a heartbeat.

On another note, I recently got two books that have been really helpful. One is called Pregnancy after loss, and the other is Preventing Miscarriages. They have both sad and happy stories, but more importantly they showed me that my apprehension and doom and gloom attitude are really normal for being in this situation. I highly recommend them.

So please say a prayer today for my little bean. I will update later...

Now more blood work....

The nurse called this morning to say that after looking at my u/s report from Friday the Dr wanted me to have more bloodwork done. We had decided to stop bloodwork a week ago as she felt it was causing me unnecessary stress. Before that she had me going every 48 hours. And I have to say that this week without it has been much less stressfull. Now I am worried that she thinks something is amiss since she wanted me to get bloodwork done again. So I went and got it done around noon, and nurse told me she would call me this afternoon with the results. But the waiting is killing me...

On a more positive note I think I felt a bit nauseaous this morning and last night. But then again it might just be my anxiety. Don't you love the second guessing of every possible symptom... I will update as soon as I hear.

We have a Yolk Sac...but that is all so far...

So I went for my u/s on Friday hoping to get an answer to whether this pregnancy was a go or not. But here I am still in limbo. The good news is there is a yolk sac which was not there last week. So that is progress meaning we are still in the game. But yet nothing else yet. So I am back there on thursday for another u/s. The waiting really sucks..

But the u/s tech and nurses were really positive saying that is could be just too early to see anything else. And that any development is a good sign. I was really upset at first but the more I thought about it, I am not giving up hope yet. My boobs still hurt, and DH says they are huge. So those are good signs. I am pretty sure now looking at the date of possible conception together with when my hcg returned to zero after the last m/c that I actually got the BFP 4 days before my period was even due. So here's praying for sticky baby dust!!

It has been awhile and alot has happen...or not

My levels finally returned to zero on their own so I did not need the shot. I bled until the 12th of December, it was bad but not intolerable. I really did prefer it to the D & E. But surprise surprise, my period did not come. And my boobs hurt a little..hmmm

On 1/7 I used a left over dollar store test and waited a few minutes and nothing. So I went and made dinner about 30 mins later, I went back to the bathroom to get something, and there it was still sitting there with a faint line. I figured it was nothing since it was beyond the 10 mins. And decided I would just retest in the morning to be sure.

I got another BFP on 1/8. Dh & I were not trying, so this was a total fluke. In fact Dr. said to wait a month. But there it was those two little lines, instantly I felt despair, could I do this again? I cried. I then called the Dr. and she immediately sent me for a blood test and phoned in a script for progesterone. I have subsequently had bloodwork every other day. These are my results so far...

1/9 - Hcg 171, prog. 14.8 - put on prog suppostitories 25mg x2 day
1/11 hcg 426, prog not tested
1/13 hcg 1122, prog 11.1
1/15 hcg 1822, prog 10.8
1/17 hcg 3066, prog 11.8

Went for u/s on 1/16, all that was seen was a sac, but dr. says that is what she would expect to see and upped my prog supps to 4 a day. I go back on Friday for another u/s to determine if there has been any development.

I am filled with doom and gloom, and my husband does his best to keep me optimistic. I second guess every symptom...do my boobs still hurt, more or less than yesterday, am I nauseous or just anxious,for every twinge, is that a cramp signalling the end..

Do I even know how to be happy or hopeful any more?

Please keep us in your thoughts